Come Sail Away

Well I lied. I honestly can't believe that eight days flew by so quick at sea. It does blend together after awhile. Wake up, eat three meals, see a show and BOOM ! You're packing your stuff. It also helped that this week we had the most amazing lecturer on board. His name is John Maxtone-Graham and if you ever have a chance to see him speak it is truly amazing. He gave six different lectures and every one was entertaining, hilarious and informative. He used to stage manage Broadway shows and in the '60's he managed a show in Chicago. He said that to unwind he would go over to Second City and watch the sets and shows there. It was such a treat to have him on-board. His old-timey gentleman ways and slides of cruising in the 30's and 40's made me long for a parasol and poorly equipped life boats.

Right now Brendan is up in the room packing. It seems weird to be going home for many reasons. This trip has seemed like it was 3 yrs long. I'm sure what happened with Penny had a lot to do with that. It will be good to get home and take care of that part of the grieving process since it has seemed to be a bit in limbo since August. It will also be nice to hang with family and friends and drink a giant pumpkin latte from Starbucks. YUM ! We'll be in Miami tomorrow and stay the night so we can ship some trinkets and whatnot out on Monday before we fly out. We've got so much stuff that we bought but it looks like we'll at least be able to get it off the ship to the hotel. That's good news.

This cruise has been a real doozy and FULL of characters ! It began when an old woman fell into the ocean off the gangway in Livorno. She fell into the 4 foot area between the ship and the dock. We were on the shuttle bus so didn't see the aftermath, but apparently she was ok and insisted on going on her tour. Then we saw a woman boarding the gangway in Rome in a fury at one of the security guards because she couldn't swipe in. Well, she couldn't swipe in because she had missed the boat in Livorno the night before and had to be driven by a port agent to Rome. The story was that she got into an argument with her kids (16 and 18) in Florence and wandered off from the tour, missing the bus. This woman had only what I can describe as REAL crazy eyes. I guess she was away from her meds for the night and was a bit wackadoo from that too. YIKES !

Our last stop was Gibraltar and we had a ball ! There are rock apes on Gibraltar and you can get real close and real friendly if you want to. They were adorable ! The views of the rock are also spectacular.

Rock Ape being all Nat'l Geographic for me

Rock Ape looking to make a jump

I hope to continue this blog on land. I hope people are still reading. I apologize for my lack of updates, but when you get into the last month of being on this thing you really just want to get the hell off. Hehe. Laziness ensues ! I feel like I still want to talk about our second Venice trip, Florence, more Rome and of course Egypt. I shall be back in the land of free Wi Fi then !

Jag-a-thon

That's what you all think I must be running lately since I haven't updated this blog. This is a quick one until the next longer one. I know, I know. I've become the married man in your mistress of a life that keeps telling you "I'm going to leave my wife!"

Well know that tomorrow we only have ONE port left and then we will be EIGHT DAYS AT SEA. EIGHT. DAYS. AT CEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE. On the ocean. With nothing. Going back to good 'ol Miami.

I will catch up then. Until that time please enjoy this picture of a goat we saw in Mykonos.

Photo Credit: Brian Morris

The Written Word

Blue Mosque at Night

Derrrrvishes

Man with Fortune Bunnies !

Lazy McGraw here! I’ve been lacking in the ‘ol blog department lately. Here are some updates to the best of my traveling brain ability. These are also completely out of order. Huzzah!


Istanbul
This city was a real treat. We basically get three days/two nights here while people are disembarking and embarking so we did it up. When we got to Istanbul it really felt like the first place that we went that was kind of exotic (until Egypt. Yikes.). Muslims have been celebrating Ramadan so that’s the first thing you notice. Since they pray five times a day, some of the prayers are broadcast from the Mosque’s out loud via a giant speaker. It’s very cool to hear. That first day we went to the famous Grand Bazaar and looked around. It’s a lot less intimidating than I thought it would be but we didn’t buy anything. I tried to haggle for a lamp (by “I” I mean Brian) but the guy wouldn’t budge! We go back at the end of this week so we’ll see if he’s any looser. Cody then took us to a small entrance to a park where he claimed there were rabbits telling fortunes. Hot damn there sure were. It’s basically what you see in the picture. An old man who might (?) be homeless with two rabbits and a bunch of papers filled with fortunes in broken English. For three Turkish YTL he asks you your name, says it to the bunny and basically has the bunny by the scruff and it knocks out a fortune from the box. They were real cute and I was happy that they at least got some lettuce after their fortune telling feat. That afternoon we also had a delicious lunch of chicken and rice and I fell in love with apple tea. It’s a Turkish delight. We wandered along the waterfront and found a great place to relax, drink apple tea and do one of my favorite past times, smoke the hookah! They had a bunch of delicious tobacco flavors but I chose apple. I got a ton light headed and it was a ball! That first night we also made it to a Whirling Dervish show. Brian had attended one last year and praised it highly. I’ll say that my picture above it about 6 million times cooler than the actual show. I will also say we were all pleased that in the end we did something cultural but Brian was pissed because it supposedly was NOT like the show at all last year. We definitely saw the night an understudy was in because one dude was not up to the challenge of whirling for an hour. He almost fell over a few times and was tipsy turvy when returning to his praying position. It was also held in a train station and we sat in lawn chairs. YES! Culture in lawn chairs! Take our Turkish money please. What the hell is wrong with us? Post Dervish show we went back to the boat, cleaned up and went to where the young folks hang, Taksim Square. We met some
other ship jokers at an Irish Pub where they tried to charge us for the nuts they served us and we moved on. After another bar or two we wandered back to the boat for a night of Turkish sleep.

We visited the famous Blue Mosque the second day. The Mosque also gave us another installment of “People are Idiots”. It’s the rules that for ladies your shoulders and knees must be covered going into the Mosque. Some American ladies take this as a cue to play Jasmine from “Aladdin” and make the rest of us look like disrespectful jags. One woman insisted on putting on a jangly 3 dollar head scarf you find at souvenir stands with a ton of coins attached to it while posing for her husband against the columns. I’m sure the women being trafficked (that one’s for you Bonesho) really appreciate your support trash-a-tron! The Mosque is beautiful. It’s known as The Blue Mosque because most of the 21,000 tiles lining the inside are blue. Post Mosque we went back to Taksim Square to do some shopping and have lunch. That night we went back to the Hookah place and had a nice quiet Kebob dinner and did some more smokin’. Well I did at least. Hooray for Istanbul!

Mykonos
These Greek Islands have been so fun. The food is great and they are all insanely picturesque and beautiful. Mykonos has been my favorite so far. Probably because we rented SCOOTERS! This day was a total blast and as I type this we are on our way to Mykonos tomorrow and we’re doing the same thing. This island is incredible. Some of the views are absolutely breathtaking. I’ll say I did have a leg up on a couple of the boys since I drove a motorcycle for a couple of years. Brian had also rented one before he did this trip last year to prepare. I was hesitant to give any pointers to anyone in the parking lot of the scooter rental place since we were trying to give the effect of being seasoned riders. Well once we all took off it was on. And by “it was on” I mean minor wipe out time. I figured mine out pretty quick but my sweet Brendy took a bit of a spill. We turned a corner and all of a sudden all I could see behind me was Brendy on his side, on the ground semi-under a car’s fender. YIPES! Of course he is a-ok and it looked a ton worse than it was. Once we pulled into the Starbucks parking lot I was able to give a few riding pointers and I think he really flourished under my tutelage. And a mocha frappucino. He is now READY TO GO! Ever since we’ve been back he’s constantly watching “Wild Hogs” on the passenger channel and going “VRRROOM VROOOM!” miming his hands on fake handlebars. My little Hell’s ANGEL! We really can’t wait to ride again. Cody bit it once too but I think he might take the puss-out route tomorrow and rent a 4 wheeler instead. He can eat our dust!

That day we visited two beaches, had one of the most delicious lunches we’ve had so far and I saw a bunch of cute goats. Cute goats and good food = successful day.

Ship Life
*I promise to write about Egypt soon. That’s a whole other night’s worth of writing. I can’t believe we only have two cruises left after this one! We still have some great repeats coming up including two more Rome’s and another Venice. Of course we still miss Penny terribly and think of her every day. I think getting home will be hard, but it will be another grieving hump to get over. We’ll also have to start looking for some work which will be another hump. YEAH! FUN! (NO! AWFUL!)

*The cruisers have gotten substantially older. We get caught behind what someone once coined as “The Cane Train” a lot. A lot of slow oldies taking their slow ass time.

*Pre and Post Egypt has begun the fight of “GI”. Or Gastro Intestinal protection. This means in the buffet the workers now have to serve you everything so you don’t spread your nasty ass germs (that means you old people). From plates, to silverware, to coffee. Now to you non-cruise living folks this might seem like it’s not a big deal, but oh boy is it a pain in the ASS. I mean a PAINNNN. After awhile you just want some control over your cereal milk. The rumor is that it might last another MONTH until we get back to Miami, or it might end in Istanbul. Sweet Christmas for the love of mike pray it ends in Istanbul! For us and for the extra shifts the workers have to put up with.

*I’m officially done with most other entertainment on the ship. I can’t see another dance show, violinist, comedy-juggler-face-painting-cabaret-tapping-Benny Hill-talker.

I miss all of you reading this right NOW. See you soon!

More Egypt pics

CHEOPS !

SPHINXY !

I promise more on these adventures to come....

Egypt...A Pictoral

hold on.

WHAT.

HAVE.

WE DONE.

More on Egypt later. I'm lazy. Or does this say it all ?

Wouldn't It Ve-Nice

Above are pics of St. Mark's Basilica and me getting my blood pressure taken by Dr. Kiss and the boys. Read on.

One at a time ! I’m going to get behind on these but oh well. We're on our way to Egypt as I type this ! In the mean time, here’s a blog about our trip to Venice !

Venice
This has been my favorite stop on this trip so far, hands down. It was our first overnight and I think that had a lot to do with it. It’s so fun to have a night in a city instead of having to rush around and get back to the boat by 5:30. Venice is also (in my 7th grade mind) what I thought every European city would be like. No cars or scooters. Only foot traffic, gondolas, water buses and taxis. Super quiet at night too. Brendan and I treated ourselves and rented a hotel room for the night right off of St. Mark’s square. We’ll get to this very special episode of Mr. Bean later, but first… the city. We took a water bus in and the ride was great. It’s finally starting to cool off for fall in these cities so the weather was perfect. We dropped our stuff off at the hotel and wandered for most of the day. Just looking in shops and munching on stuff. St.Mark’s square is just as insane with pigeons as you see in the movies and people are CRAZY. They literally hold bird seed on their arms, head, throw their toddlers in there with seed (no joke. we saw it.) or use any crevice possible so these birds can feast. It’s terrifying and gross. I think Brendan put it best when he said “It’s not like they’re puppies!” This led to a heated debate between Brendan and myself where we discussed the “Jackass” version of what St. Mark’s might be. Brendan said it would be a guy wearing a Speedo dipped in honey and covered in birdseed. I went a step further and said they would dip their entire naked junk in honey and bird seed and let the birds feast away. I think the thought of this disturbed my sweet Brendy more than anything.

Venice offers a bunch of concerts throughout the evening. String quartets and the like. We decided to take in an “Opera’s greatest hits” concert off the square at 7:30. This was definitely the right thing to do. It was a quartet of musicians and two opera singers in a little church turned concert hall. The performance was great. After the show we wondered if the singers actually liked performing these heavy opera hitters for people. Or if it was like us performing Dr. Know It All for Japanese tourists. When the concert finished, we walked to an amazing little area of Venice where Brian had seen a jazz club advertised. This area was incredible. A ton of outdoor cafes, people just sitting and having a ball. As is Murphy’s Law with Brian, the club was closed. So we found a great café to sit, eat our 50th meal of the day, drink mojitos and watch people. This is where we were accosted by a Venetian bachelor party. We had heard and sort of seen a group of about 8-10 guys strolling around with a guitar singing various songs while we were at this café. You could always tell their proximity to you because suddenly you would hear the “Whoa Whoa Whoa Whoa’s” from U2’s “With or Without You”. We ignored them the first time they came by because we thought they might be surly Venetians looking for change while they sang. When they finally approached our table we realized they were a bachelor party. The groom-to-be was wearing a doctor coat and holding a blood pressure cuff. He insisted in taking my blood pressure and then threatened/informed me he was going to kiss me. Brendan prepared himself for a olde tyme Venetian dual, but was off the hook then guy just grabbed my face and gave me four hard kisses on the cheek. We then got semi-invited to the wedding and they left us with a rousing “With or Without You”. Good luck Dr. Kiss !

After the café Brian and Cody went back to the ship while Brendan and I navigated the streets of Venice alone, trying to get back to the hotel. We only got lost once which was great considering what a maze Venice is and retired to our hotel. And by retired I mean got uncomfortable. While the locale of this hotel was great, everything else was just ok. The bed was so bumpy (ie: is that a spring in my back?) and it was about 6 comic inches too short for our legs. So after a pretty rough nights sleep I entered the decent sized shower where the shower head was located directly in the middle of the wall. The shower curtain was about also horizontally challenged by about a foot. After spraying water all over I exited laughing maniacally. Mr. Bean has arrived ! We have another overnight in Venice in two weeks or so and I can’t wait.

Pictures for Now

Hi friends !

Here are some pics for a quick Europa fix. We are in a coffee shop in Istanbul with some fast wireless so I wanted to get a couple pictures posted.

This first one is of a lovely beach in Croatia.

Here is Brendy standing in front of Mt. Vesuvius at Pompeii !

Thanks Pals

Hi everyone!
First off thank you so much for all the support you have shown e-mailed and commented about Penny. Yeah. It still feels pretty awful. We think about that little troublemaker everyday and we miss her a ton. We’re doing ok out here, taking time when we need to cry and talk and relax. My mom is doing tiny bits better day by day too. I’m trying to talk to her as much as I can and at this point I kinda just can’t wait to get home and hug her.

Since we’re going through with the rest of this trip I think I’ll keep updating the blog. Since ‘ol shitty memory here wants an account of these things actually happening and I want to post pics too.

This is just a quick post to let you know I’ll update longer sooner about more ports. Venice was unbelievable and so far my favorite and we are leaving Ismir, Turkey as I type this.

Thanks again for all the love peeps. We have some great friends.

Here's some pics in the meantime. Myself,Cody and Brendan in front of the Ponte Vecchio in Florence and a gondolier in Venice !

Sad News

Hi blog readers.
I think many of you may know by now Penny has left us. She was accidentally killed by a truck on my folks road yesterday. We are thankful it was fast, but horrified at what my mom has had to go through as she was alone when it happened.

It may not come as a suprise that Brendan and I are devasted as she was our life and little girl. It is nearly impossible to be so far away right now but we are going to stick out these last two months as there is nothing to be done at this point except grieve and console my mama. We are taking it hour by hour day by day. It doesn't seem very real right now.

I don't know how many pithy blog entries I will have in me but I may update this at some point. I may not.

Until then remember her as an amazing pup who was fun, cuddly, wonderful and so so loving. I am so thankful she had two months of paradise up at my folks place. I am even more thankful we had the chance to rescue the best pup in the world who got 15 months of hiking, the beach every day and lots of play time. Keep my mom , dad and Brendan and I in your thoughts. We need it.

Love,
beth

No more drama for my Mama please.

The photos above include an overview picture of the Herculaneum Ruins, Brendy in the Vatican Museum and Montseurrat !

Last of the seven day cruises! I can’t believe it. We’ll visit all these places at least once more, except for Sicily. So I am celebrating that today by buying cookies at the Oviesse grocery store and going to the internet café. Thank you Italy!

Well let me start out by giving props to the Melewski family because it’s been a bit of a harrowing week. First off and a little less extreme, Louie the yellow lab was attacked by a wolf last week in the woods. He’s totally fine, but of course a bit scary for my parents. Unlike Penny who has to be walked on her leash, Roscoe and Louie get let out to go to the bathroom off their leashes. Well they must have caught the smell of ‘ol Wolfie because my folks heard the dogs barking pretty crazily across their driveway in the woods. My dad went to check it out and Roscoe was the only one who came out. Louie was in the woods with 8 wolf bites but the wolf ran away when he saw my dad. My mom said after the vet trip though and some antibiotics he was fine the next day.

Then this past Tuesday night my dad went to walk down the road with the dogs (just the labs) at about 4:30pm and was missing until about 11am the next day. Again, he’s fine, but it was crazy. Right now up in the great north woods all the flora is so overgrown he just got turned around and couldn’t find his way out. My mom called the sheriff about 8 or 9ish and it sounds like the whole town was out looking for him. People brought ATV’S, there were sheriff’s dogs, some dude with some crazy ass parachute bicycle that flew over the woods and my mom and Penny. At about 10:30am the next day he made it to the road with the dogs and a guy gave him a ride home and knew who he was immediately. My dad was all over the police blotter, the Rhinelander news and Iron County papers. I finally talked to my mom on the phone yesterday and she told me dad was more embarrassed than anything else when he came home to find his house swarmed with people. He was totally fine, the pups slept next to him very close in the woods and everyone just wanted some food and a good bath. My two favorite things: He was carrying his 38 Caliber Pistol on him because of Louie getting attacked a week prior. Yeah DAD! I’m glad. No more wolfie attacks! Second: The news article said he was disoriented. My mom said that the only reason they said that is when the paramedics asked him what day it was he said “I don’t know. But I usually don’t know what day it is”. Yeah RETIREMENT! I’m thankful he’s safe. Thanks to everyone who looked too. I was so happy that my mom had Penny and her friend Pat who stayed the night with her. It made me miss home and wish I was there.

Naples
Onto the European adventures! We conquered Herculaneum on Wednesday and had a whirlwind tour. This was of course post-Neapolitan-pizza eating. We aren’t fools. We took the train in Naples (a hot, dirty mess of summer) and got to a small town called Portici. All was quiet in Portici and we had no idea where the hell we were going. So after walking another half hour and getting some directions from shadeball locals we made it to the gates of Herculaneum. Herculaneum is basically the lesser known Pompeii. It was also rocked by Vesuvius exploding in 79AD and claims to have more preserved buildings. We saw lots of cool mosaics and many well preserved buildings. We basically had to fly through this thing because we had about a half hour. We saw the highlights and really had to bust ass back to the train. It was pretty neat to see but I wish we would have had a little more time.

Rome
This Thursday Brendan and I went to St. Peter’s Basilica and the Vatican Museum. It was amazing. Holy shit (pardon me pope.) this was a rockin’ day. We got there about 11am and on Brian’s advice were going to wait until a bit later to try and get into the museum. Sometimes the line can reach up to 40 minutes because so many tours go in the morning. Well we ended up trying to get in line early (at least we thought) but we ended up in the Basilica line instead. No problem! It was beautiful. I mean these Catholics know how to put on an art show. We saw Michelangelo’s Pieta and the guy working behind it to change a light. Don’t worry; his ass is in my picture. Post Basilica we went around the block to the Vatican Museum and from line to getting into the actual museum we only waited like 15 minutes! It was amazing. Again, these Catholics know how to get a collection started! The Sistine Chapel is everything you think it will be. I think it is my favorite thing I’ve seen so far. It almost brought me to tears. It took him four years to finish it. ONLY FOUR! Man I couldn’t even finish college in four. (I.e. not at all.) It’s really amazing. The Vatican Museum is truly room upon room of insane art. Leading up to the Sistine Chapel is more amazing art. There’s a Rafael room and hallways filled with statues. Then you walk into more amazing art and see some more art. ART. ART. ART. Then the final nut punch of the Sistine Chapel and The Final Judgment. I loved it.

France
Nice! I wanted to get up early so we could get on the train to Nice and get to the flower market. The new routine is getting a giant yellow apple from the market and stuffing my mouth with a delicious Nutella crepe. Both of these dreams came true. I then left the boys and did a bit of shopping. I’m hitting the mark of needing new toiletries so I’m doing it before we hit these 12 day cruises. It’s fun to cross your fingers and hope you’re buying the right conditioner in Italian or French. I’ve been lucky so far. Also dropped some more bones at H&M. Beth, you ask, why spend money at some store you can shop at in the states? Because European women in these specialty boutiques are all a size 4. Yikes! Come on ladies. Eat some Crepes.

Spain
We went to Montserrat this week. Montserrat is an amazing Mountain in Spain about an hour and a half out of Barcelona by train. It is probably the best mountain view I’ve seen next to the Continental Divide Train in Colorado. It’s incredible! There was a little hiking to be done once we got to the top and that reminded me of Colorado too so that was a ball. I also have to give props to most of the trains here in Europe. Clean, on time, mostly air conditioned, little monitors in the station letting you know when the next train comes (always under 5 minutes) and little signs in the train with lit up dots to tell you what stop is next. Man the CTA is archaic compared to Europe. Especially with all the CTA junk that’s been going on lately. Let’s go Chicago; take a page out of the European book! Get it together!

Ship Life
*Good news America. European kids are just as assily behaved as American kids. Most of them should go back to school next week and I think our number of kids goes down from like 400 to 30. Praise Jesus.
*Alberto is gone. I never got a picture. Although the last tale I heard is that he had a breathalyzer test here on the ship and failed. This was after he apparently was trying to scale the security wall in Messina. They gave him a warning and then he was gone. He has been replaced by a new Flamenco guitarist named Pepe De Jose. This sounds like a borderline racist Spanish name you might use in an improv scene.
*The New York Conservatory for the Arts was on the ship last week. It’s basically a high school song and dance school. They did three shows in the Stardust and we caught the last one on Saturday. It wasn’t as Guffman as I thought and they did various selections from Broadway musicals with deep fervor and aplomb. I was pissed they were lip synching though. Mostly because I was looking for microphones for half the show and lamenting that their sound was leagues better than our show. The worst moment came at the beginning when they did a song I thought they had written. It was pretty cringe worthy and cheeseball. Nope. It was from Disney’s High School Musical. Holy shit is this thing bad. I mean I guess if it’s getting kids to enjoy musical theater more and get off the smack great. Buy yourselves a copy of Cabaret instead kids. It’s better than this fluff phenomenon.
*Finally, Michael Vick deserves to have every dollar he’s made shoved down his throat and then pulled out his ass. Then dip him in some Lawry’s seasoning salt and throw him in our neighbor’s yard back in Chicago with the three German Shepherds. The Falcons are some major Puss-boxes if they keep this jackass. Let’s grow a pair guys.

I feel like Andy Rooney on two Amstel Lights tonight. Till next time!

Ketchup

Above: Cody and Brian underground, Me at Mt. Etna and the Palio boys !

Catch up time indeed! Stories to tell! Still no haircut! Europe is still a delight and I can’t believe we only have 2 weeks left of the seven day cruises. At dinner tonight we were talking about what we’d like to get done in these various ports and it’s so much! After the seven day cruises we move to the 11/12 day cruises which include Greece, Turkey, Egypt and Croatia. We also have an overnight in Venice that will be pretty amazing. It’s hard to believe there’s more to come.

Florence/Uffizi
A week and a half ago we went to Florence to visit the Uffizi Gallery which is Italy’s greatest gallery. This thing is insane. So was the trip there and back to Florence. Again, Florence is a real prickly pear because it is two buses to the train and then the train for an hour and a half. We got there just fine and since we bought tickets in advance we didn’t have to wait in line which was helpful. We did show up a bit late for our reservation but it all worked out. This day was also a ball because we were accompanied by two of the youth counselors on the ship that had spent some months living in Florence. They were also the lucky winners of two tickets to the gallery since Steve and Jenny didn’t make it. We ate at a great place beforehand called “Mama Gina’s”. I enjoyed more Gnocchi and everyone else had an amazing lunch too. After a little red wine buzz we headed over to the gallery. Again, we saw so many mind blowing historical pieces of art it was overwhelming. Things you see your whole life in posters, shitty album covers and the opening montage of “Desperate Housewives”, you can’t believe you’re seeing the real thing. I bought the guide for 10 Euro and was glad I did because it really pointed out the greatest hits and some fun facts. Here were the highlights in more bullet points. Some of these titles might not mean much if you can’t see them, so if you’ve got a sec Google them to take a look.
* The Birth of Venus and Primavera by Botticelli
* Annunciation by DaVinci
* Musical Cherub by Fiorentino
* Holy Family with the Infant St. John the Baptist by Michelangelo
* Diptych of the Duke and Duchess of Urbino by Francesca
* Medusa by Caravaggio
It was pretty intense and we did the whole thing in a little over two hours and we still felt like we had time to see everything. When we went to get the train we realized looking at the board the train left a little later than we thought. Still, no problem, we still had time. Until we got to the train station in Livorno. We got cocky and thought we had enough time to take the bus to the town center where we’d catch a cab to the port and boat. Well we took the bus and ended up in the square in Livorno at about 6:10 or so. All aboard is 6:30. We still thought we were ok. Until we told the cab driver the wrong port. Livorno is a HUGE shipping port with about 6 different ports. So we had to turn around, bust our ass through traffic and we got there at 6:40. YIKES ! We didn’t get reprimanded which was good and there were still passengers boarding so that was also good. Again, too close for anyone’s liking. Garg.

Nice, France
I blew 97 Euro at H&M and we ate Dim Sum. YEAH! Sometimes you need to get back to basics.

Messina
I escorted my first passenger tour in Messina! We went to Mt. Etna, an active volcano in Sicily. I think I’ve learned a few things about escorting I can now share. One: go somewhere where the bus only stops once. That way you don’t have to wrangle the animals as much (Brendan had a semi-shitfire on a France tour with like 4 stops and an obnoxious family from Jersey). Two: Escorting is boring. I like hanging out with my friends. It’s sort of snooze-a-tron to go someplace by yourself and not have anyone to share it with. I was glad I did it, but I think I’d rather do stuff with my pals from here on out. The volcano itself is pretty cool and we got to stand in one of the craters (see picture on top). Of course it wasn’t completely without incident. We had to stop on a very steep part of the mountain because a poor 12 year old girl was about to hork since it was a very twisty turny road up. I was right with her because I have a tendency to get a little car sick myself. No horking happened even though the guide looked at me a bit strange when I offered her a plastic bag I had in my purse. It was from a muffin highjacking scheme that didn’t happen at breakfast. I’m always concerned about when I’m going to eat again because the crankometer goes up if I don’t. I was able to enjoy a delicious croissant at the top of the volcano. The other thing that happened is that two people were almost 15 minutes late back to the bus. One of my jobs is to count heads once people have arrived back to the bus. Well, Paula the guide and I kept counting 36. We left Messina with 38. The tourist part of Mt. Etna isn’t that big so I offered to run to the bathroom and see if any ladies were still waiting. Nope. No one there. We count again, still 36. We run up to the other bathroom, no one’s there. We get back to the bus to count a third time and here comes dumpy drawers Dad and his son slowly entering the bus. Sigh. Come on people. 11:40 means 11:40 !!!

Naples
There was a holiday in Italy this week so a lot of things were closed. Including Presidente, our favorite pizza place. We did find another one that was pretty close and that Cody even blasphemously stated he might like better. Fool! The ghost of Presidente is going to strangle him in his sleep some night. It was a great meal though. It sparked a debate about how hot the stone ovens get to cook the pizzas and for how long since they always come out so fast. We found out that they only get cooked for 60-90 seconds at about 475 degrees Celsius. After guessing how hot that was Fahrenheit (guesses ranged from 1000 degrees, 6 inches and 8 degrees Kelvin) Brian and I realized we have no idea what the conversion is. We’ll keep guessing, it’s more fun that way. We also took a fun tour of the Naples Underground. Naples basically has two million square meters of empty space composed of tunnels and cisterns which included a pretty cool Aqueduct and a part of a Greek-Roman theater. I am currently typing this from the brochures we received since I couldn’t understand a damn word from our buxom young tour guide-ess. The best part of this is the dark skinny passage you get to go through only with candles because there is no light. At one point we let the group go ahead of us and we all blew out our candles. It was terrifying! The ceiling is very high but the passage is only about 3 feet across. We ended up getting separated from the group with our hijinx but the fun scare was well worth it.

Siena
We rented a car again (the exact same car we got a month ago) on Friday and packed the kids up to go to Siena which is another delicious Tuscan town. I drove again and finally have the hang of these roundabouts. We did it sans GPS so we were pretty proud of ourselves. If Italy is good at one thing it’s signage! We were excited to go to Siena on this particular day because on Thursday the Palio had occurred. The Palio is Tuscany’s most celebrated festival and it is a bareback horserace that started in 1283. It’s an intense race that is viewed by thousands crowded into Siena’s piazza. The jockey’s represent ten of Siena’s districts and the winner is rewarded with a silk banner. It was a real humdinger finding parking but it was great to be there the day after it had happened. We witnessed a great parade with all dressed in the winner’s silks (see pic above!) and got a couple of great souvenirs. There Duomo is also killer. Because of preservation the floor itself is only on display from the end of August until October so it was a real treat to see it. It is an inlaid marble floor that is incredibly beautiful. We made it back to port with a half hour to spare!

Ship Life
In France on Friday I purchased a pretty intense Paint-by-Number that I’m looking forward to starting. If anything makes me happier it’s OCD art projects! Give me a million tiny circles to fill in and I’ll be satiated for days. In response to my hobby Brian said, “You and the Unabomber”.

Brendan is currently sitting across from me typing up his article for the crew newsletter entitled “10 Movies You Should Be Renting”. I hope rentals increase for “An Officer and a Gentleman” next week!

I’ve been paying 7-8 Euros for “The New Yorker” every other week because we’re so starved for news/human interest stuff out here. Fox News is the only thing we get besides a little BBC and CNN. After I saw the Fox headline “What’s next for the 6 trapped miners?” a couple nights ago I almost punched my TV. What do you think is next for them Fox? Maybe they’ll all get that undergrad they’ve been wanting for so long? Get a grip you jags.

Penny is doing great and we miss her terribly. We’ve been on a dog petting kick here in Europe. My mom sent me a pic of Penny sniffing a picture I had given my mom as a gift, but the picture had been in our apartment for awhile. My mom says she smells it all the time and I almost cried. I miss my little girl!

A European Cold is More/Less Fun Than a US Cold

The photos above include The Mamertime Museum where St. Peter/ Paul were held, Brendan and Cody racing their body chariots at Circus Maximus and The Teatro in Naples.

Greetings readers! Thanks for stickin’ with me. I’ve been update lazy so I apologize. We’ve also all had a brief bit of sickness on the ship with all of us having a touch of a cold except for Jenny. I thank my immune system of a horse since mine disappeared in like a day. I think I scare the shit out of my colds. They know not to stay around long because I’ve got shit to do by God!

Naples
Naples was a ball this week. Brian, Brendan and I walked to the richy shop part of Naples where you pass a lot of Prada, Gucci, etc. It’s just fun to look. We also went to our standby Presidente for pizza which was once again DELISH. The bill was a tad higher for some reason that we couldn’t figure out. We don’t ever want to be blackballed from Presidente so we shut up and threw our Euros down. The real fun happened prior to shopping and pizza though. We had another great off the beaten path experience that was super serendipitous in nature. We sat down outdoors to have a cappuccino at the beginning of our day at a great little café. We paid and went across the street to window shop at a shoe store. As we were walking away we saw the owner of the café and another guy who worked there gesturing to us to come back. Fearing we had left old receipts in lieu of Euros we walked back only to hear the guy who worked there ask us “Would you like to see the theater in back of the café?” Uh. Ok. Now you have to picture the most unassuming Italian café ever out in front. So he walks us into the back where there was a dark hallway. In having these experiences there’s always that moment of “This is it. My life is going to end at knifepoint in Naples”. Alas, the lights came on and there was the Teatro Santarazzo. A 300 seat opera style theater modeled on the Teatro San Carlo which is the big opera house in Naples. The Teatro Santarazzo is beautiful. All box seats, red velvet, and an excellent sized stage. The gentleman who worked at the café, whose name was Carmini, spoke great English and he had been working at the theater for ten years. We asked what kind of shows they did there and he replied, “Mainly Comedies”. We were flabberstunned! So Brian proceeded to tell him excitedly who we were and what we did. Who were some of the people that came from Second City, etc. To which Carmini replied “These seats are great, huh?” Or something similar. He either didn’t share our understanding of this serendipitous moment, or had no idea who John Belushi was. We offered to do a Dr. Know-It-All but he declined. (Jokes….. It was Spelling Bee.) We spent some time inside, took some pictures and thanked Carmini for his time. It was truly beautiful and such a cool think we would normally never get to see. The only thing we can figure out is that we told the owner we were from Chicago while we drank our coffee so he maybe thought we’d like to see something cool. I’m glad he asked.

Rome
This has been one of my favorite days so far. We nailed about 700 things in a day. I love Rome in this way because everything is so close! I need to put it in bullet points and consult our Rome guide because it’s so much.
In Rome we did the following things:
*Put our hand in the Mouth of Truth. Basically a Medieval Drain cover. It’s is supposed to snap its mouth shut on the hands of liars.
*Brian took us to an off the beaten path SECRET spot that I won’t ruin.
*Toured The Roman Forum Ruins with a oratory tour by Brian out of his Italy guidebook
*Walked on Circus Maximus where the Chariot Races took place. Basically a dirt track.
*Went into the Mamertime Museum where St. Peter and St. Paul were imprisoned and according to the ‘ol Catholic chestnut, baptized two prison guards with the water that they caused to bubble up in the cell.
*Visited beautiful Capitoline Hill which was designed by Michelangelo in the 16th century.
*Saw a guy dressed in a gladiator costume outside the Colosseum talking on his cell phone.
*Had fresh gnocchi because it’s what you do on Thursday galldarnnit.
*Visited San Pietro in Vincoli. Also known as St.Peter in Chains because it houses what are said to be the chains with which St. Peter was shackled in the Mamertime Museum (The day comes full circle bitches). It also has a pretty famous sculpture by Michelangelo which is Moses with horns.
Back to the train station and back to the ship! We really did it up this day.

I have a whole other day to talk about which is Florence where we visited the Uffizi Gallery. It’s basically the Louvre of Italy. I want to post this and I have to get ready for our show tonight. A quick Alberto update. He is still playing nightly in the outdoor bar upstairs. He also has some competition. There is another Flamenco guitarist and vocalist on board named Daniel. And when I say competition I mean if you were going to compare a handful of delicious cashews with a handful of squirrel shit, what would win? Daniel is probably in his mid to late thirties, and how do I phrase this, SMOKIN’ HOT. This guy should just wear a tee shirt that says “Back off, I’ll smolder your eyes out of your goddamn head”. It’s like having Sting and Burgess Meredith in a hot competition. Jesus. Again, poor Alberto, unable to catch a break. I promise more soon!

Pics Are Easier Than Reading

Hi boaty fans (aka: my family. hee.)...I promise a written update in the next two day or so, probably tonight. But I want to post some pictures while I'm in this super ass fast internet cafe in Messina !

As you can see it was a big Roma day last week with the ruins from the Forum and all. I can't wait to blog about it soon !

A Long Story Short

Prior to leaving Chicago Brian also subletted his apartment like Brendan and I did. Through a slight miscommunication the subletter moved into Brian’s place a day earlier. The gentleman was cool, and left until Brian flew out the next day. When the gentleman left the apartment that afternoon, Brian went upstairs only to find this young lady, a box with more of these tee shirts, and another wig. It was all he had moved in so far. Brian had to spend the entire night preparing his apartment and packing with this young lady watching over him. Brian: “I’d walk into the room and I would jump every time”. It was never addressed. Thank you Craig’s List.

Update-a-tron

Sea Day = Update! I mentioned the other day that I tend to talk a lot about food and Alberto in this blog. To which Brian responded “That’s the good stuff!” True, it is. I guess my ability to remember a ton of history about the places we’re seeing is just hard for my brain. So, if you’re interested in finding out more about what we’re doing you can also check out Brendan’s blog at www.averybigship.blogspotcom. Or you can click on Cody’s blog in my links at the bottom. Brendan’s got a better brain for remembering the historical facts instead of just saying “Ay youze guys! Look at this purty church!” And it’s fun to get a different point of view from the same travelers.

New week! New cruise! It’s fun to start a new cruise with a new batch of passengers on board. It is Groundhogday-esque but it’s also nice to reload, especially if you feel like the last batch of people were a teensy bit weird. It’s so hard to explain unless you live in this floating home, but it’s just an overall feeling you get about the cruisers for the week. Last week was weird-ville 9000. This week feels better so that’s good. Except for the dirty bastard children. Cody put it best when he said “I feel like I have an English orphanage living next to me”. Hard knock life indeed! Last night was filled with the brats running up and down the hall screeching like ass monkeys. We’ve been threatening to just open the door and body check a few of them to put them in their place. Otherwise people seem relaxed and at ease.

Roma
This past week in Rome we visited an amazing church called Santa Maria Del Popolo. This church is featured in Dan Brown’s “Angels and Demons” which Brendan blew through in about 3 days. Mainly because it’s kind of a shitbomb and also it’s almost exactly like “The DaVinci Code”. The most striking things about these churches are the chapels inside the churches. They are usually mini alcoves that hold art, statues, or tombs of people buried there. These chapels are so saturated with gorgeous art that it would fill one church in the states, and there are usually about six chapels in one church in Italy. The picture above is from there and it’s one of my favorites so far. We found some delicious pasta after that and took the train back to the ship. On the walk back to the ship we stopped at a stand where locals sell giant slices of watermelon for 2 Euro. It was ridiculously delish and surely to become a post Rome treat.

Livorno
I already posted about Livorno, it was my relax day. The boys ? Not so much. Brian and Brendan almost “missed the boat” on Friday. Literally. Their train back from Lucca was delayed nearly an hour and a half. The gangway was to get yanked at 6:30pm and they checked in at 6:28! Not at all their fault, but terrifying nonetheless. Even more terrifying was me, sitting in the cabin when the security officer called to ask if Brendan was in the room, I said no, they had gone to Florence and I’m sure they would be back. As he was getting ready to say his next sentence and as I was getting ready to pee myself he said they were walking up the gangway. WHEW!

Cannes
No haircut for Melew this week. Every place wanted about 54 Euro and one place wanted 74 Euro ! NO siree. So I’m going to do some research on Nice this week and see what I can do about not looking like a Sasquatch. Brendan escorted a real humdinger of a tour in Cannes and I’m sure he’ll post the details on his blog, so I hung out with Cody and Brian. We ate a delicious lunch of Steak and Pommes Frites and went to a grocery store so Cody and Brian could slam a quart of real, decent milk. The milk on the ship is not very good. It’s always sort of lukewarm and ok for cereal, but these boys were jonesin’ for some cold ass calcium!

Ship Life
There is a crew party in Spinnaker Lounge this week. It’s a pirate theme with prizes for best costume. If it’s anything like Halloween, I’m sure we’ll see a bunch of whorish, “sexy” pirates come Thursday.

Alberto has not yet received his real, $4000 guitar. It is apparently still in Naples, which it supposedly has been for like 3 weeks. He has also been semi-demoted to playing on deck 13 and outside from 7-midnight. Poor guy cannot catch a break! My theory is that the cruise line is hoping two dolphins come and nab him overboard. Next he’ll be playing to the Engine Room guys from 2am-5:45am.

Cross your fingers because I’m hoping to escort a tour to the active volcano of Mt. Etna tomorrow in Sicily! If any grandmas from New Jersey give me lip I’ll sacrifice their bodies to the mountain. Ciao!

European Break-ation

Above are pics of the following: Penny, Louie (the yellow) and Roscoe (the black) napping together on the couch (Photo courtesy of mama melew). Me giving a marble lion the 'ol one two, and Brian taking a picture of a fountain. I like the scale of this one. That's a big ass fountain.

Well I’m doing something I didn’t think I’d do after a month in Europe. Taking a break. We’re in Livorno today and I decided to stay on, sleep in and do jack shit. I got up, wrote a bit, ate lunch, read The New Yorker front to back for 2 hours and now I’m here. I know all you people out there with day jobs are ready to strangle me. You’re in EUROPE! You jag! Why the rest? But I had to put the brakes on today as I felt my cranky-o-meter rising. All these trains, buses, cabs and hoofing it has resulted in mama needing a day alone. Sure there is a bit of guilt, but Cody, Jenny and Steve have also decided to stick around so that makes me feel better. Brian and Brendan are having a man day in Florence. OOOOOH! BOYFRIENDS!

Sitting in the atrium always makes me uncomfortable considering the close proximity to the reception desk. It seems like no matter what time of day it is, some guest is always up at the front desk bitching. I’ve got my headphones on, but I can see by the beleaguered look on the reception staffs face they are ready to kill the general public. As crew/entertainers we rarely have to go to reception, but the two times I’ve had to go I’ve sought out Helena. Helena owes me a few and is always kind. Why does she owe me a few? Because of my lax policies when she constantly comes to renew Season 2 of “The Office” to Jewelbusters during my shift. What is Jewelbusters you ask? It is the official movie rental store of the Norwegian Jewel Crew. Every Monday on our sea day we work this shift as a cast. There’s a pretty extensive library downstairs in the corner of the crew mess and it’s always fun to see what horror movie Engine Supervisor #3 is renting this week. Close to closing time Brendan likes to yell things like “10 minutes to rent videos folks and Terms of Endearment is still available!” The main rentals consist of action movies, Romantic Comedies for the ladies, and any nudity these sailors can get their hands on. It’s fun to meet a lot of crew you wouldn’t normally come into contact with and we get gift certificates to the restaurants that charge a cover for our time.

Alberto update. On Tuesday Alberto purchased a $300 guitar in Messina since his has still not shown up. We ran into him on the way back to the ship and he was strumming away. He played us a song and of course what we thought all along was completely true. HE’S F’ING AMAZING. He claims to be the third best Flamenco guitarist in the world and I think there’s no doubt about it. Of course someone this nutburgers has to be. His hands move like flamenco butter through those strings and it’s incredible to watch. So that night we all had dinner and made our way up to the Star Bar to watch him play. Again, what we thought all along was completely true. Even with a guitar, HE’S F’ING INSANE. His banter between songs were the ramblings of a true madman. The best of which was a song/poem/possible children’s parable Brian claims will still give him nightmares. He was gently strumming his guitar as he leaned into the microphone and said something to the effect of:

“No matter what you eat,
We are all the meat.
No matter what you eat,
We are all the meat…..”

I think this went on for a few more seconds, but I was too terrified to remember. Good to know that returning to his craft restores a sense of normalcy to his personality. Yikes !

Naples
Wednesday was Naples and we usually go out with the intention to eat, maybe wander for a bit and return to the ship since it’s show night. Finding a restaurant was a bit of a task. We had a few restaurants on a list from our pal Enzo (see earlier entry on Naples) and we had already eaten at one the week before. We tried a second restaurant he recommended but it seemed a bit expensive. So we tried to return to the restaurant Cody has first taken us to and it was closed. We are slowly learning there is no rhyme or reason to anything being open or closed in Italy. So we returned to the pizza place we had eaten at the week before. This place may just become a weekly delight for us since it is so amazing. It’s called “il Pizzaiolo del Presidente”. (www.ilpizzaiolodelpresidente.it) It has by far, the best Neapolitan Pizza/Pizza I’ve ever tasted in my life. I think we all sat there wondering why we would go anywhere else. And it is cheap as hell. This week we blew it out and also ordered three pizza frittas, which are giant deep fried pizzas stuffed with cheese, meat and spinach. I think we had 6 pizzas, 8 cokes and a beer and the total came to 44 Euros. It’s crazy cheap. Post pizza Brian and I ended up wandering around and doing a bit of shopping as everyone returned to the ship. He bought a tie at a department store blow out and I didn’t find anything. This tie was purchased after I encouraged him to purchase one that didn’t look like an 8th grade boy tie. We got gelato and I stumbled on a flavor called “Gelato Snack”. In the cooler it looked like chocolate gelato with bits of cookie in it. I ordered it with a scoop of Tiramisu gelato to boot. When I tasted the “Gelato Snack” I instantly knew something was deliciously awry. I only needed Brian to confirm it. What Gelato Snack really is, is Nutella whipped up into a frosting frenzy with bits of crunchy Ice Cream Cone thrown into it. It’s not gelato, it’s frickin’ frosting. It was barely cold and still holding its consistency. Good enough for me! Snack indeed.

A real quick note about Penny before I sign off. She’s doing great ! My mom says she’s a big ‘ol snuggler and is becoming a regular Esther Williams the way she’s swimming in the lake. I miss her mucho. Till next time !

Busy Bees

Hello from the sea! All aboard the train to recap-ville. The pictures above include Brendan at the Rome barber, Brendan the statue in Naples and Cat MAN !

Naples
We went to the Archeological Museum of Naples on Wednesday. This was a real treat. I can’t say I learned too much because a lot was in Italian. Yet their collection is pretty amazing. We also were allowed into the Secret Chamber which was the Erotic Art collection. Meow! We saw a ton of cool mosaics from Pompeii, a million marble statues and a collection of old amber and other jewelry that we spent way too long on.

Rome
I referred to this day as “Haircuts, bones and gnocchi”. We went to the Capuchin Crypt on Thursday which is a crypt/cemetery that honors thousands of Capuchin Friars. How you say? By displaying their bones! It’s amazing. There are 6 crypts with real bones arranged into sculpture and art. There are also a bunch of mummified friar corpses in there too. There was no picture taking so you’ll have to Google it. It was spooky and a ton of fun. Onto haircuts: Our first week in Rome we had seen this amazing barber shop on the corner of some street. It had a picture perfect Italian barber in his early 70’s. On Thursday the boys made it happen! It was haircuts for all. The most extreme being Steve, who had a lot of bushy hair. So much so one of our workshop participants asked Steve post-cut if he had been wearing a wig in the show on Wednesday. All the boys look dapper and clean. Silvano the barber did a kick ass job. After that we had to get some gnocchi on “Fresh Gnocchi Thursday” so we found another amazing restaurant to get our potato dumpling fill. Delish.

Florence
We took the train into Florence on Friday. Why you ask? Because we had an appointment with a little sculpture I like to call Michelangelo’s “David”. Florence itself is real neat. It is like a smaller Rome. Brian had gone on line the previous week to reserve tickets to see David because traditionally the line is out the door and around the block. The heat has not lifted in any of the places we’ve visited so we were also happy to have those reservations and not be in line, melting. We went right in at 1:30 and holy cow! There he is! It is truly breathtaking. It’s also all about presentation. The Academe itself is a pretty great museum, but they’ve framed David in such a beautiful way. He’s right under a giant glass ceiling that lets in a ton of natural light. He’s at the end of a big hallway so it’s pretty much the first thing you see when you get in. There’s also plenty of room to check him out even though there are a bunch of other people doing the same thing. He’s really amazing. You can’t believe that someone actually sculpted this. It took him three years to do. Only three. Are you kidding? I can’t even get a haircut in a time span of four months. His hands were my favorite. His one hand is just resting perfectly against his leg. It’s so crazily real and relaxed you can’t believe it’s made of marble. Bravo Michelangelo! The rest of the museum is great. They have a bunch of sculptures Michelangelo stopped working on which was neat to see since they are in mid-sculpt. They also had the plaster model of “The Rape of the Sabine Woman” which we had just seen the original of maybe an hour before. It was a great day.

France/ Barcelona
I feel like I haven’t given any time to these ports in my blog. These are kind of catch up/ wander around days for us since we’ve exhausted ourselves from our Italy travels the days prior. This week in Villefranche we hung out at the beach and did a bit of swimming. It was a tad rocky though and ‘ol sensitive feet here missed having some sand to stomp on. It was still refreshing to get in the water considering how hot it is. And the fact that we’re in FRANCE. Last week Brendan and I came back to the ship early and decided to go to the pool. We lasted about 5 minutes considering the pool felt like salty, hot, piss-filled bathwater. It was awful. So needless to say we were happy to get into the French Rivieran Drink !

In Barcelona we walked around both this Sunday and last. We stopped at a Tapas place we had eaten at the first week which was delicious. We hung out at the mall for a bit and then went back to the ship. La Rambla is the main walkway in Barcelona where there are a ton of booths, flower stalls and crafty things for you to buy. There are also a bunch of street performers. The cast favorite who was turned on to us by Cody is a delightful man we’ve named “Cat Man”. Cat Man is a full grown, semi-paunchy man dressed in a black cat suit, cat make-up and has a very strange high pitched cat whistle he blows. His home is a giant painted garbage can. As far as we can tell, if you give cat man a 20-50 cent Euro he’ll peek out of his garbage can, paw at you, and make a whistling noise. Sometimes if you stick around long enough he’ll scare the shit out of some real white bred gals from the USA by chasing them 3 feet down La Rambla. This is where the real show is because the girls always scream their damn heads off. I’m sure Cat Man pulls in like 20 thousand Euros a year doing this. I need to get a garbage can.

Ship Life
Alberto still doesn’t have his guitar. He was last seen pawing at the ice cream cones about a half hour ago, and slumped down in a booth in the crew bar watching a Harry Potter movie they were playing last week. Someone help this man. Brian’s new theory is that this Alberto killed the REAL Alberto at the airport and is just getting 6 weeks of a free cruise and crying about his “guitar”. Hm. We’ll see.

I’m debating whether to get a haircut in Cannes this week. This hair is out of control. We’ll see how much my high school French can carry me. I may end up with “Crepe Head”.

Brendan and I both finished Harry Potter! Sad that it’s over but the book was amazing. I stayed up until 2am on Thursday to finish it even though we had to be up at 7am. Partially because I was terrified someone would ruin it for me in the audience. I was super nervous in the show Wednesday night that some jagoff was going to yell the ending of the book as a suggestion for one of our improv games. Thank God the only suggestions we get revolve around Paris Hilton and Lindsay Lohan. Come on people.

Finally, Brian purchased the greatest book in the world this week. It is an English Slang translated into Italian book. The better way to picture it would be like this. Imagine a movie where the lead character is Italian, moves to the USA with only this book to teach him English and through this book and this book only says a bunch of crazy sometimes racist things! This book has now made me cry with laughter on a number of occasions. I love that some Italian overheard these words and thought they were American slang. Some phrases are helpful, most are just ridiculous and racist. Here is a sampling:

Bozo Explosion: A chain of crazy, usually disappointing events. Example: “Well Marcy forgot the Power Point slides, James’ computer didn’t work and Amy was late to the presentation altogether. It was a real Bozo Explosion”.
Goozle: A lot of something. Example: “That girl’s family has a goozle of scrilla”. (Please note that this exact sentence is used in the book. Some of the words have example sentences which are even better. )
Burp the Worm: To Masturbate. No example needed.
Chinky: Derogatory Chinese term. Is derogatory mentioned in the Italian translation? Nope. The example in the book says “I don’t like to eat that Chinky food”.
Lapjack: To steal someone’s laptop.
Lord High Fixer: A computer whiz of the utmost ability. Example: “Yer Windows 98 is down? You better take it to Lord High Fixer on the 5th floor”.
Mexican Breakfast: A speedy breakfast of a cigarette and a glass of water.

I’m hoping to bring these back to the states. If you’re reading this, use a goozle of these words in your next conversation for me, ok? Until next time!

Pics !

We're kickin' it at an internet cafe today in Sicily so I thought I'd post some pics while the connection is good !

The first one is the cast in front of Pisa. The second is of Taormina which is an outdoor Greek theater here in Sicily. The third is of myself and Brendy in Taormina in front of the water. Enjoy !

The results are in guys !

Good for tourism I guess...

The Week In Review

Hey friends. Here’s a big ass update. Have fun! I still have no idea how to disperse these pics so above you have Brendan "Mail Mouth" Dowling and the cast on the Leaning Tower of Pisa mid-climb !

Naples
This is a fast ass city! Italians are scooting around you on scooters, which causes you to move yer scootin’ ass real fast. We started out by walking the city and browsing around. Kind of a new favorite hobby of mine in Europe. (PS: Who the hell am I, Elton John? How many people get a chance to actually have any “hobbies” in Europe?) I just love looking in at the stores. Maybe going in, maybe not. I haven’t bought much at all. Looking is so damn fun. We had lunch at a place Cody had eaten at on one of his prior jaunts into the city and it was top notch. For about 8 Euros a piece we had anti pasto (which included some delicious fried polenta), amazing pizza, and a bit of pasta. Again, if it wasn’t for the walking and finally getting myself to the ship gym I would be a giant piece of dough. How do these hot, thin Italian’s do it? I’ve also coined a new term for every lady in Italy: “Smoky F*ck Eyes”. Jesus. It doesn’t matter if it’s breakfast, lunch, or dinner. These ladies are hot! The guys are lookers too, but you really notice how made up the women are. Especially when I’m tooling around Europe in a skort, sweating like crazy.

Post lunch we split up. Steve and Jenny went shopping and Cody, Brian, Brendan and I ended up walking around in the Spanish Quarter of Naples. The next experience we had can only be described as one that I wished would happen every week. We wandered into a bodega like corner store where the boys decided to have a beer to refresh. The bodega was pretty bare. It looked like they hadn’t really replenished any of the shelves in a couple of weeks. We met the Italian gentleman who was working behind the counter named Enzo. Brian started conversing with him about Naples, Enzo suggested where we should eat, things on the map etc. Enzo had a few English words, but not many. The conversation led to Brian asking about a custom suit maker’s shop we had wandered into a few minutes before. Within minutes, Enzo had us out the door walking up the block to where? No one knew. We just followed Enzo, still in his apron. We enter a courtyard that looks like an apartment complex. Please note Enzo has just walked out of the store to take us here. Maybe he does this often, hence the empty shelves? He knocks on a door and in the house/suit maker shop are two older men in their 70’s and a woman in her 60’s. We walk in and there are cloth books on the table, a couple pieces of furniture and the other room is made for a tailor at work. But all in all it looks like we’re in this Italian house. Which I’m pretty sure we were. Enzo introduces Brian to the tailor who is actually a younger gentleman who comes out from the back. Through a bit of broken English and Italian, Brian looks at a cloth swatch but then finds out that the suits are 1500 Euro. No big surprise. There is a brief moment where Enzo tries to negotiate for Brian which was generous and hilarious considering he had just met us. The old people are just watching and smiling. It’s super surreal. And of course it’s cool but I’m 20% wondering if they’re about to kill us. But all told, the younger guy is a tad bit sleazy. He apparently goes to NYC every 2 months to check things out clothing-wise, yet he hadn’t heard of a famous custom suit maker that Brian mentioned. So we get a business card and Enzo led us out of the house. He chatted with Brian for a bit and basically told him the guy was too much anyways and that if he came back next week Enzo would take Brian to a few more places. We said “Ciao” to Enzo and walked away. After we had walked about 15 minutes, marveling about how fun it all was we see someone in our periphery jetting alongside of us on a scooter. It’s Enzo ! He yells at Brian to hop on and he’ll take him to a few more suit places. It’s hysterical. Brian thanks him kindly but says we’re tired and we walk back to the ship.

All in all a pretty perfect, very authentic-ly European day. That’s why I love that we’re in these ports so many different times. We can see all the tourist spots and amazing old buildings, but still have these jaw dropping experiences. Just from walking around, browsing, and Brian’s Italian skills. Rumor has it my great gramps is from Naples. I got his immigration information from my mom and I’m going to do a bit of research to see if we may still have any Vengo’s living in or around Naples. Wouldn’t that be great?

Pisa
Thursday was Pisa and boy did we do it up. This is a complicated travel day. Since Cody has done this route and Brian did it last year they already have a lead on how to get to where, etc. This is a huge help and so invaluable! Especially since doing everything on our own is much cheaper than going on one of the ship’s shore excursions. So from the ship we took a shuttle bus to a city bus, city bus to the train station, and train to Pisa. Whew. This was a hot ass day too, so we were chillin’ with the locals, sweatin’ our collective nuts off. It was well worth the sweat though.

The Tower was amazing! When you walk up to it you really can’t believe you’re looking at the Leaning Tower of Pisa. We became even luckier when we scored tickets to climb the tower and go up to the top. Scoring makes it sound like some sort of lottery, but really we were just lucky we got them within a decent timeframe so we could make it back to the ship on time. We also found out later on it was closed to the public last year so we couldn’t have climbed it then. Double score! The climb is pretty easy and it’s so beautiful when you reach the top. The views of the city Pisa are worth the climb alone. The cast joked there would never be anything like that in the states. The railings are pretty open when you get to the top. No netting around it or anything. Still, what a damn thrill. I mean we were in the Leaning Tower ya’ll !

Ship Life
The shows have been great. Our 7:30 show is fun, but is always a big warm up for the 9:30. The later one there are a ton more people, they’ve napped, and they’re ready to laugh. I think 7:30 is still too early for people’s laugh-o-meter after getting back on the boat from Naples at 6 or so. Nevertheless they’ve been a ball. We also purchased the new Harry Potter book in Cannes on Friday so Brendan is tearing through that so I can read it next. I can’t wait!

The other performers are always an interesting lot, and this week is no different. His name is Alberto and he’s been hired to play Flamenco guitar in the Star Bar. Unfortunately Alberto’s guitar did not show up to Barcelona when he signed on, so he has basically been twiddling his thumbs till it arrives on the ship. We first met Alberto when we were playing Celebrity in one of the conference rooms one night. He’s about 5’3, 59 yrs old, and wears what can only be described as renaissance fair garb. A lot of black velvet and boots. He also has giant manicured nails. Giant. Cody has baptized him with the nickname “Wind Chime” since he is always wearing this giant, silver, chime-esque necklace. I think his third sentence in meeting us was “When’s someone gonna shoot George Bush”. His personal history has included things like playing with Frank Zappa and at one point in life he was busy “making drugs for high schoolers”. I mean who hasn’t? The next morning at breakfast he sat with us and shared a short story he’d been writing. It was a story about time travel where the main character travels back in time to have a sex change, sleep with his father and become his own mother. Does it stop there you ask? Nope. The main character then travels back to the present then travels back in time again to become his grandmother, comes back has another sex change and then travels back to become his own grandfather, etc. You get the picture. Oh you don’t? Wait till Alberto goes through every family member for you at breakfast. Then you will. Alberto then tried explaining something about how atoms work. Thank god I had coffee. Then the following night Jenny found Alberto filing his teeth with a ladies nail file at the bar in the main club on the ship. In public. At the bar. With a file…and...teeth. He said he was filing them into vampire teeth. Again, who hasn’t? So that’s Alberto’s tale. We’re hoping he gets his guitar real soon. I’m currently e-mailing McSweeney’s to see if they’ll publish his story. Till next time!